Channel 4: Saturday 4 July, 9pm
Having failed to get Team America’s World Police joke, Paramount spent gazillions restyling Hasbro’s G.I Joe action figure as an acronymonous crime fighting unit: Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity. Rise of the Cobra survived general derision to accrue big box office bucks. So Paramount retaliated. And, waving the flag on the 4th of July, Dwayne Johnson mans up for the Joes, who are betrayed by imposter president Jonathan Pryce. The toy-shop characters include dolls called Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, Flint and Firefly. Ballistic bollocks is what it is, as the dialogue is keen to point out: “Go! Go! Go!” “Move!” “Incoming!” “Clear!” “Go! Go! Go!” Everything except the trademark battle cry “Yo Joe!” They say “Hell yeah!” instead. And “Yoo-hah!” None of the acting’s good but RZA is frankly laughable as the Blind Master. Channing Tatum deserts early so maybe he’s not as dumb as he acts. “History will stand in judgment,” says someone earnestly. The verdict’s already in for a B-list cast in an A-Team plot that takes the Transformers format to whole new levels of stupid. If there is such a thing as military intelligence, this would be an insult to it. Converted to 3D in post-production, so it’s ugly too.