House of the Dead

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(2003)

Film4: PREMIERE Thursday 28 August, 2.15am

Gratuitous nudity and teeth-grinding gore. What’s not to like? Well, all the characters for starters. Underwear model Tyron Leitso and double-D Ona Grauer are among the late-arrivals on Jürgen Prochnow’s fishing boat heading for a San Juan island rave (sponsored by game-makers Sega). “Great, das U-boat captain,” says Will Sanderson when he sees Prochnow. It gets worse. Prochnow’s character is called Captain Kirk. Who cares what happens to this bunch? Oblivious to the fact that the deserted rave site is busted up and blood spattered, their only concern is that the beer pumps still work. Acting like they want to die, they persist in making the dumbest choices. Like spying the creepiest house outside of Scooby-Dooville and waltzing right on in there. “I’ve got a bad feeling…” Cluster-gun editing and arcade game inserts in Uwe Boll’s mind-rotting zombie island massacre. “Let’s get back to Seattle and sell our story to the Enquirer!” The sub-Prodigy score is by Code Thrasher.

Certificate: 15

Duration: 87min

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