Fast & Furious 7

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(2015) ★★

Sky Movies Box Office: PREMIERE Monday 7 September, 6am, 1.45pm and 8pm

It’s a bittersweet moment when Paul Walker is introduced out of his element doing the school run in a mini-van. It’s the only classy touch in an awesomely crass action flick. Because the sleazy tone has already been set by numerous up-crotch shots and water-splashed breasts waggled at the camera in a desert ‘Race Wars’ prologue that looks like a 12-year-old’s Spring Break wet dream.

Having got the attention of the target audience… Vin Diesel and his motley crew are targeted by special-ops basket case Jason Statham. He’s going to settle one last score for Luke Evans, laid up in a London hospital: “Take care of my little brother. If anything happens to him, I’m coming back looking for you.” (This isn’t likely to happen in Furious 8.) Banging on and on and on about family, Chris Morgan’s hackneyed script is a super-size compendium of the hoariest clichés.

It doesn’t help that Statham and Kurt Russell, not to mention Dwayne Johnson (sidelined in hospital most of the time), are more compelling screen personalities than any of the Furious crew. It’s Kurt who ups the ante by telling Diesel’s Dom about the world of shadows and spooks: “I’m just a guy.” The kind of guy Robson Green plays in Strike Back. And the intrigue and tension is right up there with Johnny English, on a globe-trotting Mission: Conspicuous budget.

It took four credited editors to snip it into shape and the Abu Dhabi interlude sums up all that’s absurd and obscene about blockbuster franchise thinking. Like the fight between Statham and the Rock, or the chicken runs by Diesel and Statham (ramming each other like rutting stags before alighting from the crumpled cars unharmed), it’s big and ridiculous. With unfeasible stunts that Vegas magicians would dismiss as fanciful.

Judging by his furrowed brow and bulging veins, Vin’s taking all of it as seriously as Shakespeare. Meanwhile Brian Tyler’s music swells like it’s some kind of grand tragedy. Vin thought this stuff warranted Academy attention – what fumes was he inhaling? Under that scowl, he’s as cuddly as Kojak.

Inbetween the lame banter, green-screen stunts, unidentified flying vehicles and rearview shots of beach gals in itsy-bitsy bikinis, there’s yet more talk about the importance of family. “The white picket fence is like an anchor on him,” says Jordana Brewster of Walker. Diesel nods sagely: “I don’t have friends. I’ve got family.” Five remains the benchmark. And for Paul Walker, Vehicle 19, Hours, even Brick Mansions – all serve as better epitaphs than this.

Certificate: 12

Duration: 137min

IMDB – Fast & Furious 7

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Rotten Tomatoes – Fast & Furious 7

Other Showings Time & Date
Sky Movies Box Office Tuesday, 8 September at 3:30AM
Sky Movies Box Office Tuesday, 8 September at 8:00AM
Sky Movies Box Office Tuesday, 8 September at 3:30PM
Sky Movies Box Office Tuesday, 8 September at 8:00PM
Sky Movies Box Office Wednesday, 9 September at 3:30AM
Sky Movies Box Office Wednesday, 9 September at 9:45AM
Sky Movies Box Office Wednesday, 9 September at 3:30PM
Sky Movies Box Office Wednesday, 9 September at 8:00PM
Sky Movies Box Office Thursday, 10 September at 2:00AM
Sky Movies Box Office Thursday, 10 September at 6:00AM
Sky Movies Box Office Thursday, 10 September at 1:45PM
Sky Movies Box Office Thursday, 10 September at 8:00PM
Sky Movies Box Office Friday, 11 September at 3:30AM
Sky Movies Box Office Friday, 11 September at 8:00AM
Sky Movies Box Office Friday, 11 September at 3:30PM
Sky Movies Box Office Friday, 11 September at 8:00PM
Sky Movies Box Office Saturday, 12 September at 3:30AM
Sky Movies Box Office Saturday, 12 September at 9:45AM
Sky Movies Box Office Saturday, 12 September at 3:30PM
Sky Movies Box Office Saturday, 12 September at 8:00PM
Sky Movies Box Office Sunday, 13 September at 2:00AM
Sky Movies Box Office Sunday, 13 September at 6:00AM
Sky Movies Box Office Sunday, 13 September at 1:45PM
Sky Movies Box Office Sunday, 13 September at 8:00PM
Sky Movies Box Office Monday, 14 September at 3:30AM
Sky Movies Box Office Monday, 14 September at 8:30AM
Sky Movies Box Office Monday, 14 September at 10:30PM
Sky Movies Box Office Tuesday, 15 September at 6:00AM
Sky Movies Box Office Tuesday, 15 September at 10:30PM
Sky Movies Box Office Wednesday, 16 September at 8:30AM
Sky Movies Box Office Wednesday, 16 September at 2:30PM
Sky Movies Box Office Wednesday, 16 September at 8:00PM
Sky Movies Box Office Thursday, 17 September at 8:30AM
Sky Movies Box Office Thursday, 17 September at 10:30PM
Sky Movies Box Office Friday, 18 September at 6:00AM
Sky Movies Box Office Friday, 18 September at 10:30PM