Film4: Saturday 19 September, 12.30am
Small-town cheerleader Megan Fox turns into a black-eyed zombiefied cannibal vampire demon after being raped by a touring indie bar band. Best-friend-forever Amanda Seyfried tells the whole sordid story in the kind of snarky narration that Beavis and Butt-head would find jaded. So… hell is a teenage girl. Well, gee, Ginger Snaps and Teeth got there first, and funnier.
Even Heathers was scarier than this, and much more savvy. Dragged down by clichéd writing (by Juno’s Oscar-winner Diablo Cody) and direction (by Aeon Flux’s Karyn Kusama), this tension-free horror comedy grooves on the gory stuff. It’s a bust. Like, totally. Besides looking ten years too old for high school, Megan Fox is a charisma vacuum at the centre. Four years before Lovelace, Mamma Mia!’s Amanda Seyfried pulls off the girly pose more convincingly. Her dad J.K. Simmons wears a hook, presumably because that makes him look funnier.