Film4: Monday 16 November, 11.05pm
Sick of shedding the blood of heretics, heroic knight Nicolas Cage walks out on the Crusades. Which is pretty much how his new film Outcast begins too. Except here has a buddy in Ron Perlman, a cohort almost as unruly as Nic’s mop of hair. Now deserters in service to the Church, they’re escorting accused witch Claire Foy across a country ravaged by pestilence to the monks at Severac. But she’s no witch.
She’s something far worse. Okay, this isn’t The Name of the Rose. But, unholy CGI mess that it is, it’s still much more fun than Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton’s Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (Channel 5, Sunday at 9pm), a thick-witted splatter fantasy more grotesque than Grimm. Besides, this one’s got a rickety bridge of rotting timber and frayed rope spanning a Grand Canyon-sized gorge between our noble band and the monastery.