Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson’s Instagram feed is highly entertaining. Regularly posting updates to his vast army of followers – totalling a gargantuan and ever-increasing 54.3 million – the former WWE wrestler and current box office mammoth reminds us all that we are crushing failures in comparison.
At times, I lay awake at night wondering how the hell he does it. Has he discovered a real-life equivalent of NZT, that drug Bradley Cooper ingests recklessly in Limitless that affords him superior intelligence, memory and untouchable self-confidence in everything from quantum mechanics to bedding his neighbour.
Maybe The Rock has managed to create an army of clones, who do his daily bidding while he sculpts his guns. I tell myself that we can all be Dwayne Johnson, if we try. That’s bollocks. We can’t. Johnson is a freak, and I mean that in the nicest way possible.
Some would have feared for his superstar status after making the bold decision to depart the professional wrestling industry, the sports entertainment mechanism through which he catapulted to global stardom in the first place. Those fears were grossly misplaced. After some good movies, some terrible, The Rock has established himself as perhaps the most-reliable box office star on the planet, to the point where he seems to be signing on to star in new projects every single day.
Yes, Dwayne Johnson has SEVENTEEN upcoming movies, because he doesn’t believe in sleeping, downtime or staying still. In fact, we’re almost certain that Johnson is starring in 75% of the blockbusters in the next three years (may be exaggerated).
Anyway, here’s the movies he’s set to appear in.
Sayeth the Rock via his various social media platforms: “Doc was physically and mentally trained from birth by his father and a team of scientists to become the perfect human specimen with a genius level intellect. His heightened senses are beyond comprehension. He can even identify a women’s perfume from half a mile away. He is literally the master of everything. But here’s the #1 reason I’m excited to become Doc Savage.. HE’S A F*CKING HILARIOUS WEIRDO! Confidently, yet innocently he has zero social graces whatsoever due to his upbringing so every interaction he has with someone is direct, odd, often uncomfortable and amazingly hilarious.”
Does The Rock even lift bro?
The last one made over $1 billion at the box office. Let’s see how this one does…
Journey 3: From The Earth To The Moon
Nobody really asked for this movie, but he’s doing it – which means it’ll still do well.
We’re kinda excited for his take on this. Please don’t do it with Kevin Hart though, quite possibly the most annoying comedian to ever appear in a movie.
It’s a Disney animation which means it’s guaranteed box office goldust.
Reuniting him with his San Andreas team, it’s an update of the classic arcade game, so it’ll surely be a bag of laughs.
San Andreas 2
Unnamed “buddy action comedy”
The Rock’s Lethal Weapon? We hope not. Fuck off Kevin Hart.
Big Trouble In Little China remake
The Rock co-stars with Kurt Russell in Fast 8, so he can ask him what the best way to rip Russell’s seminal 80s cult gem is…
“Die Hard In China”
Well, that’s what it’s being called anyway.
He’ll play the role of Black Adam, thus completing his long overdue inception into superhero movie universes.
Alpha Squad Seven
A sci-fi action comedy set in space. You know The Rock doesn’t even need a helmet in space?
This is a ride at Disneyland. If it reaches anywhere near the success Pirates of the Caribbean managed, he’s onto something really special here.
The Janson Directive
Something akin to The Bourne Identity, but with even more muscles!
Fast & Furious Spin Off
The Rundown 2
The first one was a guilty pleasure of ours…
So, next time you hit the snooze button on your alarm and roll over, just think: what would The Rock do?